Tag Archives: relapse

Back Up On The Horse

13 Jun

So I started this blog because I felt that I was not been completely honest in the last one. Well, at the very least, I wouldn’t confess all my sins. So I started this blog because I wanted to be completely transparent, and always admit when I stuff up so that I am held accountable. Not by you, but by me. It is not a nice feeling to admit when you have stuffed up. So here I am writing to you about to confess.

Yesterday, I was invited to go watch a game of soccer. England vs USA. I thought I had been so good lately that I deserved to go. That it was time to take the next step and put on the training wheels. I honestly believed I could go and not eat junk food. I was confident that I now had the ability to resist. While I was there all went well and I didn’t eat or drink anything except for diet cokes. I had to have something and thought this was the lesser of all evils. At this stage I was on a high. I felt that nothing was going to stand in my way, and how easy it was for me to not drink or eat anything I shouldn’t. Yes I was feeling confident and optimistic. Proud of myself even.

And here comes the big BUT. But, then someone invited me out for a drink. I knew this wasn’t a good idea. I knew where it would lead. But I guess a part of me didn’t care. I didn’t want to go home and be alone. I was enjoying the company. I also managed to fool myself that my new resolve would be strong enough to have only a few beers and then go home. So I did. I went and I drank a few beers. Then I drank some more. And then I drank some more. Next thing I know I am walking in the door in the early hours of the morning having consumed many beers and pizza.

Not impressed. The binge fest didn’t end there either. This morning I went and had some more pizza and a slushy. So there you have it. I have managed to reign it in now. Im back up on the horse. Overall Im not convinced it is going to have a large impact on my weight loss. But I can’t let this become a habit. I am making sure I don’t do that by admitting my mistakes. The lesson learned is I cannot go out into situations where there is drink or junk food…….yet. I must be on the ball at all times, and not get cocky. I must not ever believe I have things under control. Because thats when I stuff up.

For the record no I don’t have a drinking problem. But I am also a big escapist. I like to escape reality. Hell thats a part of the addictive nature of things. To escape life! Its especially hard now because I don’t know anyone and I sit at home in this apartment. It can get lonely. So when I do have fun I never want it to end. ┬áSo when I start drinking I don’t let it end. Not until very late. Also beer = calories. Non-paleo calories, and I consider this as junk food. So at the moment I feel very let down as I have been doing so well. But I know I have to stay motivated and surge on with the fight. I can’t get too down or I will cave. Thats not an option. .

Bugger.

Advertisements

Relapse I

8 Jun

Before I start I suggest anyone reading this go and read my post on how junk food can trigger addiction. If you read that, and don’t walk away thinking junk food is like cocaine, then good day to you sir!!!

I didn’t blog yesterday because I am in the midst of preparing a talk for a very important meeting tomorrow. I won’t bore you, but it is basically about getting some funding to do environmental monitoring of some freshwater ecosystems here. So when it comes to funding I get stressed. Needless to say I was up late last night writing the talk, which I give tomorrow. I only post now because I have finished it. I also didn’t write yesterday because there was nothing much to report. Same day as the last one. Getting hungry in the evenings (which apparently is a tell tale sign of food addiction) but thats about it.

Today I woke up and had some eggs for breakfast. Then I went to the workshop. Now I assumed since this was at a fancy hotel that my options for food would not be strictly limited. I intended on having some sort of salad. Well bad luck for me. There was the choice of carbs, more carbs, or high carb foods. Nothing existed without carbs. I couldn’t even have the insides of sandwiches as there wasn’t much. By this stage my stomach was rumbling and I knew I needed to stay awake and eat something.

I contemplated leaving and getting some food elsewhere but no one else did, and in these types of meetings its all about contacts!!! Going out for lunch by yourself is a big no no!!! So I stayed and I ate some small sandwiches, a pasta salad and some apple juice. I really did feel my hands were tied. Yes I could have been more gungho and simply starved myself. But let me tell you that my ability to not eat carby foods is via a thin shred of willpower. To not eat AT ALL was too much, and lets say I had a controlled explosion.

I feel bad because up to this point I have been perfect. Also, I feel bad because this is similar to doing a line of coke. In other words I have undone all my efforts. I can expect massive hunger now. But I can’t get too caught up in that thinking otherwise I really will unravel. I just have to soldier on and remind myself that everyone has a relapse every now and then. In this case it was a pretty minor incident as I did not have that much, and I did not go into a bigger binge because I had stuffed up.

So here is the damage.

Meals

Breakfast: Two Fried Eggs

Lunch: Assorted Sandwich mix, pasta salad, apple juice

Dinner: 2 X Pork Steaks, Asparagus, Almonds

Macronutrients

Fat 49% (sat 13%, poly 11%, mono 21%)

Carbohydrates 27% (177g)

Protein 24%

All in all its not that terrible. I have had 2600 calories of food. My nutrients were lower than normal and I was deficient in Vitamin C, Calcium, Magnesium and Potassium. Could have been worse!